Hello minions. I’m back and I’m sorry for the delay, but I hope you all enjoyed Tyler’s unit on conlangs.
As for me, well.
I’ve found a doctor who actually listens carefully to my concerns – you wouldn’t think that’s so hard to find – and we’re starting the magical adventure of finding the right drug. My anxiety is getting totally out of hand, you see – I had a panic attack over how upset I was that I was so uncontrollably anxious that a friend texted me something ambivalent that I could stretch to sound like they didn’t want to be friends anymore. The whole thing was so utterly ridiculous.
So far, I’m on something that converts a portion of my anxiety (and probably depression) into exhaustion. The going rate is really high so I basically want to just sleep all day. Which is why I missed last week and this week is late. I also can’t sleep all day because I have a two-year old. Also it is only a portion of anxiety because I still get anxious over nothing.
Part of what’s bothering me about this whole anxiety business – aside from the fact that it totally sucks and is debilitating and I don’t even have any good coping mechanisms because unlike my other disorders, this came out of nowhere once I became an adult – is that it is, unsurprisingly, easily triggered by things relating to writing. One thing that scares me really badly is that my writing group will kick me out. It’s 100% just mental disorder anxiety; my writing group is made of friends and I’m actually not a bad writer, no matter what voices in my head tell me. And that’s bad enough on its own.
But I’m trying to get finished with my final draft and get querying and there’s no way I won’t be paralyzed by this anxiety crap. I mean, what if people don’t like my book!?
Well. Not everyone will. I find myself getting into a mindset where I think, “Yeah but…if it’s a good book, like, why wouldn’t they?” Not exactly consciously, but it’s somewhere in my head. If someone doesn’t like it, it must mean that the book wasn’t good enough, because if it was good enough, no one could resist it!
Although…I think that mindset, which isn’t true, is why people get so defensive about their fandoms. I mean, I’ve had more than a few Dr. Who fans get really, really upset with me because I don’t really like Dr. Who. Perhaps they feel I’m insulting the awesomeness by not enjoying it myself – like I’m saying it’s not awesome because otherwise, I’d like it.
And I appreciate this view. Because I have nothing against Dr. Who. I just have a harder time enjoying things that are sci-fi like or scary. I can see why other people would like it! I enjoy Dr. Who memes if I get them. But it’s just not really my thing.
It’s a good show. I just don’t enjoy it.
And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that Dr. Who isn’t good enough for me. It’s just that I enjoy a different type of story. Which turns my mind to my bestie and I and our taste in books. We both like fantasy, but the types of fantasy, the styles of writing we like, are usually diametrically different. The only books that we’ve both enjoyed are McCaffery books. And it’s not about quality or anything, it’s just style. I liked The Hobbit, but the trilogy is a bit, er, stuffy for me. She adores LOTR. I love Brandon Sanderson and want to be him when I grow up. She didn’t enjoy him so much. It’s just different tastes and that’s okay. Like different talents mean we all have something to add, it just means that we all have something to take, too. And all that adding means we need lots of different takers.
So if some people don’t like your story, that’s okay. Not everyone will, and it doesn’t mean that your story is any less awesome. It’s just chocolate when they prefer strawberry.
Course, if your anxiety is a friggun mental disorder, that’s a different story – totally irrational, totally out of your control. If you’re dealing with that too, I’m so sorry – and good luck on your journey, whether it takes you to therapy, drugs, or something else entirely.