I’m Not Going to Eat My Own Baby

This post contains humor likeunto that of http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Baby_farming.

I joke about eating babies a lot. I mean, I’m an evil overlord, and that’s what evil overlords eat. Babies. They’re delicious. Do you know how many ways you can cook a baby? I don’t, but one day I will find out!

That said, I’ve never actually been able to steal a baby and devour it. Mostly because if I have one moral hardwired into my system, it’s that I just can’t steal. I just can’t. Weird, right? But it’s always been that way. I mean, I can accidentally take something that’s not mine, but once I find I accidentally stole something, I am filled with guilt until I fix the situation, so I can’t even accidentally steal, insomuch as stealing can be accidental.

All the same, no one lets me hold their baby. Also people have told me ever since I started “joking” about eating babies that they worry for the day I become pregnant, for the safety of my own children. Now I am pregnant and those comments have increased somewhat.

Look, guys, I’m not going to eat my own baby. I mean, for one thing, it takes an awful lot of effort to make the baby. In addition to my body’s confusion at what the flip is going on and getting hunger and throwing up confused, I’m also super exhausted from the baby stealing all my ATPs all the time. And it’s only been like three months or so. I don’t know, however many months 11 weeks are. I don’t even have a baby bump yet – but I hear that soreness in the back accompanies its arrival, and that I still have swelling to which I can look forward. And then there’s the actual labor of delivery.

And you know what else? Even getting pregnant was actually a lot more work than for what people give credit. Like, hard work, not fun work.

Sure, raising a kid is a lot more effort than birthing and eating it – but it just seems like I really am wasting all that effort of birthing it just to eat it.

So no, I’m not going to eat my own baby. I’ll eat your baby for which the only effort required was stealing it and cooking it up. My baby I’m going to raise into a model minion and after I have five million more, I will use my children to RULE THE WORLD! A-HAHAHAHA!

Or, y’know, reap the rewards of grandchildren in many, many years to come and limit my own spawn to maybe about five or so. Whatever works. Either way, I’m not going to eat my own baby.